


Too Late For Regrets

by diversionary_tactician



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst and Humor, Cataclysm, Cynical, Cynicism, Dark, Dark Comedy, Darkness, Disturbing Themes, Environmentalism, Gen, Letters, Post-Apocalyptic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 11:58:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6753001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diversionary_tactician/pseuds/diversionary_tactician
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before embarking on a suicide mission, Adir writes his thoughts on what's left of society following a cataclysm that resulted in a permanent loss of sunlight.  Though Adir writes to keep sane, the entry is addressed to Eli, Adir's brother who died not long after the cataclysm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Late For Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt: Post-Apocalyptic, Diary/Journal, Sunrise, & Gaslight. So, this got incredibly dark on me. If you're not in for a depressing narrative you may want to save this one for later. Though, personally, I think Adir has his own cynical, bitter sense of humor which I hope will be a refreshing note amidst the despair and hopelessness.

Eli,

I’ve got to be honest with you man; I don’t know why I’m still doing this. Except every time I stand over the fire with these filthy waterlogged pages I freeze. My hand jerks back reflexively like it’s me, and not the book, that’s about to be singed. I suppose it won’t matter soon anyway, since I’m going back into the Rough in a few hours and no one’s survived fifteen consecutive missions. Hell, maybe someone will actually read this shit. There’s not even the illusion of privacy after you’re dead. Manners went the way of the sun, I guess.

I bet you’re wondering why it always seems to be my ass dragged out on the most miserable missions. The truth, I’ve got a lousy poker face. You’d think that would be some kind of vague euphemism, but I’m being completely straight with you. With so few of us left the only thing that matters is what you can do to keep yourself and the sorry excuse for the rest of humanity alive. And what’s the single most important skill when you’re trying to build something roughly resembling a society after the end of the world? The ability to lie convincingly through your fucking teeth. 

People here lie about everything, from the promise of a hot meal in the not so distant future, to what happens to the men that don’t come back from the Rough, to how much of this shit is our own fault. The answer to that last one, would be all of it, by the way. You want a perfect example? You know what they call this place? Sunrise. I shit you not, Eli. Not a single ray of light since the caty and these self-important assholes have the audacity to name their pissant little settlement Sunrise. I think it’s their way of gaslighting those of us who still bother to consider things like logistics and reason. It would almost be funny, them naming themselves something best suited toward some misled hippie cult. But then I come up short as I’m reminded that there won’t ever be another sunrise, and we’re the reason why.

So anyway, I lost yet another round of cards and I’ll be headed back out there. We’re scouting the western region out past where the ballpark used to be, you know the one where Mic took us to see that game when you were little. The concession stands have already been picked clean but Dayn says there are some factories out past the field. And about the dangers in between, well, it’s anyone’s guess. It could be anything from ponds of toxic, disease-ridden water, to packs of rabid animals, to the fucking Nocturns who hunt anyone who isn’t one of them for food and sport. A lot of the animals are diseased, but apparently humans can be counted on as a primary food source if you’re desperate or out of your god damn mind. For me, so long as foraging remains an option I’m not going there and if you ask anyone around here foraging will be an option forever. 

I told a few of the ‘leaders’ it was time to start thinking about something sustainable. Even if we find some sort of factory that hasn’t been picked clean, what will it last us? Months, maybe? And that’s assuming we can defend it, which we can’t. We’re scavengers, not soldiers. It’s foolish to expect we can secure a food source outside our territory through any means other than hoping fervently that no one else finds it. The others seemed optimistic until I asked how well that had worked for us so far and the assembly descended quickly into silence.

Without crops or livestock we won’t survive long. Of course, I suspect it’s possible that nothing is capable of growing any longer. With a makeshift power source and a UV light perhaps we could coax something into life but there are a hell of a lot of ifs and maybes involved. I don’t know for certain what sustains the packs of carnivores that occasionally attack those of us that go out into the Rough. Though I have a terrible suspicion that they’ve been eating the bodies. We rarely have the luxury of bringing back dead scouts but I haven’t seen many corpses either. Dayn concurs I expect, but logic makes hope a harder sell, so she seems to have forgone it entirely. This is one lie I’ve very nearly allowed myself. Jonah got left out there. I left him out there. In stories, back when there were stories, people had these big dramatic moments when someone like that died. I don’t think moments like that exist anymore, or maybe I’m just incapable of them now, because all I did was freeze up and everything went blank and dull. What was one more atrocity? 

Do you ever wonder if the people who could have done something, really made a difference, let this happen because they were disgusted with the human race? You probably think I’ve lost my mind, but some days I root for our extinction too. It’s amazing that the human body doesn’t come equipped with some failsafe that lets it stop breathing when the thankless tedium of life becomes repellent on a nearly cellular level. Thoughts like that one I generally manage to keep to myself. However, some senseless, counter-intuitive impulse – the same one responsible for the blood still flowing through the chambers of my heart – urges me to argue reason almost against my very will. She’ll be happy to see the last of me I expect – Dayn and the others who are ‘in charge’ or whatever passes for that now.

Anyway, I suppose that’s enough depressing shit for the night. I know you’ve been traveling long and hard to get here for me buddy, and I just wanted to let you know I appreciate you making the trip. I’m looking forward to having someone sane to talk to again. You were an even worse liar than I am, and after all this Sunrise shit I’m looking forward to an honest conversation, even if we have to have it in the dark.

\- Adir


End file.
